On Your 2nd Birthday

My precious child: today you would be 2 years old. The time has passed at both record speed while also dragging at a snail’s pace. Time has done that regularly since you left.

I’m not the same mother I was when I gave birth to you two years ago. Your life and death has changed every part of me, and I would venture to say that much of it is for the better. You have been the single most influential person in my life. I’m much more quiet now, taking more time to reflect on everything going on around me because sometimes it’s nearly impossible to find words.

I’ve learned to pause and slow down, because some moments in life need to be soaked in deeply. The sight of a rose can stop me dead in my tracks as I’m reminded of you each time I see one. You’ve taught me what it means to love without boundaries – our love is one that crosses universes and time. Although I would have never asked for this to happen, I’m grateful for the life you lived and the love we share.

Your sister has the most heartwarming connection with you. She visits you in her dreams and she talks of you often. Just the other night she she snuggled in close to me with tears in her eyes and said “mama, I wish heaven were right next door so we could visit Ellie.” Her tender little heart knows more heartbreak than most kids her age and it pains me that she has to carry the heavy burden of loss. But I know that’s the price you pay when you love someone like we love you. She asked me if she could go ahead and pack a bag so she would be ready for heaven when it’s her time to go. I told her I’d like to keep her a little longer with me on Earth and she agreed to wait to pack. Someday you girls will finally meet and what a beautiful reunion that will be! I’m selfishly hoping it doesn’t happen for a very long time.

Your dad and I are still picking up the pieces after your death and trying our best to heal. Every day is hard, but some days it feels as though I could collapse under the weight of grief. I can assure you of one thing: I miss you every bit as much in this moment as I did the seconds after you died. Those 10 days with you were so very precious but I’m forever wanting just one more moment and one more memory.

Today we will eat birthday cake and light two candles in your memory. We will muster up smiles and then wipe away the tears that I know will be shed. Today and every day we will try our best to honor you and the way you’ve impacted our lives. You are one of the two most amazing gifts I’ve ever received and I’m grateful God chose me to be your mama. Until we meet again, sweet child. I love you like only a mama can. Happy 2nd Birthday, my Ellie Rose.

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