A letter to my baby after loss

Dear Rhett,

In 2 short weeks, I hope to hold you in my arms and soak in the sweetness of having a baby to hold. I have waited for you for years now and part of me finds it hard to believe that it may actually happen.

The journey to this point has been arduous, my child, and has left your mama scarred and weary. You see, your life came from the aftermath of so much pain and loss. Some people refer to you as a rainbow baby – the hope and promise that comes after a storm. I’m hopeful for your safe arrival yet remain guarded by the reality that not every storm is greeted by a rainbow.

Your sister, Ellie, was with us for only a few short days before she left your father and I with empty arms and shattered hearts. We were so desperate to grow our family after her death, yet unfortunately experienced the loss of two more babies after that. We followed my doctor’s orders and took a year break from having children while my body healed from cancer. The wait dragged on like an eternity. I didn’t know that it was you we were waiting for.

You will never replace your sister and the place she occupies in my heart, nor were you meant to. My heart has grown in size to accommodate the love I have for you. You will be the perfect addition to our little family and I promise to love you for who you are as an individual.

Admittedly, I’m scared. As we inch closer to your due date, the seed of doubt in my mind reminds me that we still have more hurdles to jump through before we are in the clear. Your birth is coming in the midst of a global pandemic, yet that feels like the least of my worries with bringing you into this world. I feel like I’ve gone through a raging battle to make it this point, and I’ve fought with every ounce of my being to physically and emotionally make it to this point in the pregnancy. You are wanted and you are loved beyond measure, and you are worth every tear and sleepless night. I will continue fighting for you until the day you are in my arms, and then every day after that.

Sweet child, I promise to love you with everything that I have. I’ve learned so much about being a mother these last few years and I promise to keep trying to be the best I can be for you. I will be your biggest fan and your advocate. I will give you space to grow and become the man you’re destined to be, and can’t wait to have the front row seat to your life.

But be patient with me, my precious child. I’m navigating through a mix of emotions and fears. I will worry about you like mamas do, but perhaps just a tiny bit more because of all I’ve been through. I will pray for you continuously and ask God for the strength to help me get to the day where we finally will meet. Until then, know that I love you with all of my heart.

With all my love,

Mama

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